It's after 1 am. I feel completely exhausted yet I still can't sleep. From tuesday till saturday I may have like 12 hours of sleep. I have tried drugs. I have tried going with no caffine. No caffine just increases my head ache I already suffer from. I wish I knew why I can't sleep anymore.

I lay down and close my eyes and it seems my mind is racing a million miles per minute. If I do finally get some sleep I have nightmares. Sometimes they are so vivid and feel so real I have to tell myself that it really didn't happen.

I feel like I am losing control of myself. I am just so exhausted. I don't know how much longer I can function like this.

Insomnia sucks! I am going to at least lay down and hope the tyelnol pm works!

Bother

Wish I was too dead to cry
My self affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater

You don't need to bother
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on I won't let go till it bleeds

Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest

I wish I had a reason
My flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying

You don't need to bother
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
Once I hold on I won't let go till it bleeds

Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten with its memories
Diaries left with cryptic entries

And you don't need to bother
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on I won't let go till it bleeds

You don't need to bother
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on I'll never live down my deceit

~Stone Sour~

Sober

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the morning
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Aahh, the sun is blinding
I stayed up again
Oohh, I am finding
That's not the way I want my story to end
I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence...
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
When I won't remember, save your breath, 'cause what's the use?

Aahh, the night is calling
And it whispers to me softly, "come and play"
Aahh, I am falling
And if I let myself go, I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

Comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good, 'till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry
Never again
Broken down in agony
And just trying to find a friend

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

How do I feel this good sober?

~Pink~

maybe tomorrow

I feel so broken. It's to the point that I don't even know what I want anymore. I just want to crawl in my bed and pull the covers over my head and never come out. I am so sick of the hurt I feel. I wish it would go away. I wake up every day fighting the feelings I feel. I tell myself to make it one more day because tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow comes and it's not better.

*sigh* maybe tomorrow will be better..................

I know it has been awhile since I have wrote here. I know this is supposed to help me with my depression and I should write my feelings in here to help me cope with them.

Honestly I have not had the strength nor the energy to write in here. I was in a very deep depression. I have only recently started to feel like myself and able to confront my feelings and the things going on.

On September 1 I lost my best friend. Matt was one of the only constants in my life. One of the few I did trust with all my heart. He was my rock. No matter how bad things got in my life I knew I could call him and he was there for me. I have felt very lost with out Matt. It has been very confusing and heartbreaking for me. I still have to remind myself that he is gone. I miss him more than I can even put into words. It kills me that I will never here his laugh again. Or get silly text messages from him at odd hours of the night. I feel like part of me went when Matt passed away. I never even realized when he was here how much I loved him. I am glad we did get a chance to let out our feelings to each other when he visited me in early July. I am glad i got to say "I love you" to him and he got to say it to me too. I just really miss him!

I lost my job in mid Sept. It too has taken a toll on me. I keep trying for jobs but i don't even get a phone call. It makes me feel like a loser. I can't even get a freaking job. I don't know what I am going to do. More on that later.

I have also started talking to my real Dad again. I was prompted to contact him after a child hood friends mother was killed. Between Matt and Mrs. K passing away I realized life is too short not to try and make amends. It has been going good so far. It's baby steps and I know it will take time for me to really trust him again

I am still struggling with drinking. I have not been successful. Part of me wants sobriety but I just don't have the support I need. I know its an excuse but I just can't do it alone.

Well I should try and get some sleep..... that area in my life has not improved either.

I haven't had a chance to write in here much. I really wish I had the internet for when I am in the mood to write. I guess I just don't feel like writing right now.

My thoughts are all jumbled in my head but I do know what I have to do. I have to take control of my life again..........I just hope it doesn't start world war 3. I don't have the energy in me for that!

More at another time.

Numb

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
?Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know I may end up failing too
But I know you were just like me
With someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

~Linkin Park~