I know it has been awhile since I have wrote here. I know this is supposed to help me with my depression and I should write my feelings in here to help me cope with them.

Honestly I have not had the strength nor the energy to write in here. I was in a very deep depression. I have only recently started to feel like myself and able to confront my feelings and the things going on.

On September 1 I lost my best friend. Matt was one of the only constants in my life. One of the few I did trust with all my heart. He was my rock. No matter how bad things got in my life I knew I could call him and he was there for me. I have felt very lost with out Matt. It has been very confusing and heartbreaking for me. I still have to remind myself that he is gone. I miss him more than I can even put into words. It kills me that I will never here his laugh again. Or get silly text messages from him at odd hours of the night. I feel like part of me went when Matt passed away. I never even realized when he was here how much I loved him. I am glad we did get a chance to let out our feelings to each other when he visited me in early July. I am glad i got to say "I love you" to him and he got to say it to me too. I just really miss him!

I lost my job in mid Sept. It too has taken a toll on me. I keep trying for jobs but i don't even get a phone call. It makes me feel like a loser. I can't even get a freaking job. I don't know what I am going to do. More on that later.

I have also started talking to my real Dad again. I was prompted to contact him after a child hood friends mother was killed. Between Matt and Mrs. K passing away I realized life is too short not to try and make amends. It has been going good so far. It's baby steps and I know it will take time for me to really trust him again

I am still struggling with drinking. I have not been successful. Part of me wants sobriety but I just don't have the support I need. I know its an excuse but I just can't do it alone.

Well I should try and get some sleep..... that area in my life has not improved either.