I haven't had a chance to write in here much. I really wish I had the internet for when I am in the mood to write. I guess I just don't feel like writing right now.
My thoughts are all jumbled in my head but I do know what I have to do. I have to take control of my life again..........I just hope it doesn't start world war 3. I don't have the energy in me for that!
More at another time.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Numb
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
?Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
And I know I may end up failing too
But I know you were just like me
With someone disappointed in you
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
~Linkin Park~
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
?Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
And I know I may end up failing too
But I know you were just like me
With someone disappointed in you
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
~Linkin Park~
Trapped
I hate when I go to therapy and things don't get left in the room. Nope they follow me right out the door so I can sit and think about them. Oh joy!!!!
Today's session was mostly on how I feel trapped. There is no more frustrating feeling than feeling like you are stuck and there is not a fucking thing you can do about it.
I just want to break away and be free to live my own life. I am so sick and fucking tired of being told what to do, when to do it, how to do it. I am almost 29 years old and get treated like a 16 year old. Last time I checked this was my life and no one else's. When I make mistakes in life it is my consequences that I must render. No one else! I am not perfect and I will fall along the way but it was because it was my choice!
I am sick of being broke because I give them everything I have, I am sick of living in their house with their rules, I am sick of getting things and them taking it back because they need it now!
Most of all I am sick of living the life they want me to live and not living the life I want to live.
Today's session was mostly on how I feel trapped. There is no more frustrating feeling than feeling like you are stuck and there is not a fucking thing you can do about it.
I just want to break away and be free to live my own life. I am so sick and fucking tired of being told what to do, when to do it, how to do it. I am almost 29 years old and get treated like a 16 year old. Last time I checked this was my life and no one else's. When I make mistakes in life it is my consequences that I must render. No one else! I am not perfect and I will fall along the way but it was because it was my choice!
I am sick of being broke because I give them everything I have, I am sick of living in their house with their rules, I am sick of getting things and them taking it back because they need it now!
Most of all I am sick of living the life they want me to live and not living the life I want to live.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Fuuuuuckkkkkk!!!!!!!!
I just want to stand and scream fuck at the top of my lungs. I just want to let it all out.
Therapy was rough today. I spoke of the pain from the abuse of when I was a child. I described in detail what happened to me. It's been a long time since I have spoken of it. I held the tears back as I told my therapist of what I endured. Yet it was not tears of sadness it was tears of anger. Anger that this happened. Anger because I did not deserve this. For fuck sake I was a kid! They stole my fucking childhood. Why did they take it all away from me? 20 years later I am fucked up still!!!!!
I wish it never happened to me. I wish I could let it go. I don't want to be haunted by these memories anymore. I want to lay my head down on my pillow and not have my dreams haunted. I don't want the anger or the hatred that burns inside me anymore.
FUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!
Therapy was rough today. I spoke of the pain from the abuse of when I was a child. I described in detail what happened to me. It's been a long time since I have spoken of it. I held the tears back as I told my therapist of what I endured. Yet it was not tears of sadness it was tears of anger. Anger that this happened. Anger because I did not deserve this. For fuck sake I was a kid! They stole my fucking childhood. Why did they take it all away from me? 20 years later I am fucked up still!!!!!
I wish it never happened to me. I wish I could let it go. I don't want to be haunted by these memories anymore. I want to lay my head down on my pillow and not have my dreams haunted. I don't want the anger or the hatred that burns inside me anymore.
FUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
"Easier to Run"
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)
Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
It's so much simpler than change
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
It's easier to run
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made)
It's easier to go
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
~Linkin Park~
(I would take all my shame to the grave)
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)
Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
It's so much simpler than change
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
It's easier to run
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made)
It's easier to go
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
~Linkin Park~
(I would take all my shame to the grave)
Sleep
I haven't been sleeping much. It seems my mind is on over load. My therapist has offered to prescribe me drugs to help me sleep. I am avoiding taking any substance right now. Although sleep does sound good. How long can a person function on 3-5 hours a sleep a night.
Even if I do fall asleep I am woken up by weird dreams. Why is it when you decide to deal with the past it messes up everything?
I have early therapy tomorrow. We are starting to discuss my past. I am surprised I got through 3 sessions with out having to talk about my childhood. I guess it is inevitable I will have to go there to get to the root of my depression and anger. I just hate even thinking about it let alone talking about it.
Hell it only took me 20 years to face the problem!
Even if I do fall asleep I am woken up by weird dreams. Why is it when you decide to deal with the past it messes up everything?
I have early therapy tomorrow. We are starting to discuss my past. I am surprised I got through 3 sessions with out having to talk about my childhood. I guess it is inevitable I will have to go there to get to the root of my depression and anger. I just hate even thinking about it let alone talking about it.
Hell it only took me 20 years to face the problem!
Monday, August 9, 2010
Not affraid
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't
This fucking black cloud's still follow's me around
But it's time to exorcise these demons
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!
I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just lettin' you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road
And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now
~Eminem~
This fucking black cloud's still follow's me around
But it's time to exorcise these demons
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!
I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just lettin' you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road
And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now
~Eminem~
Dad
So in therapy we have been focusing on my issues with my real Dad. I never realized the pent up anger I have for him.
My real Dad has tried contacting me recently. I have ignored the calls. I am so scared of him hurting me again.
How is this time going to be any different than the other 28 years??
The man has walked in and out of my life. He only tries to be a father to me when it is convenient to him. The man has not been there for one moment in my life. He was not at any of my sporting events. He was not there for any of my graduations. The mother fucker was not even there for me when I was raped. He was too busy getting high or drunk. The party always was more fun than being with his only daughter!!!! I can't even count how many times as a little girl I sat on the steps with my bags waiting for him to come pick me up for the weekend just to be let down by him not showing up.
Now the asshole wants to play Daddy? Is it too late? I don't know if I have the strength to forgive him again just to be let down once again!!!!
At least I know where my abandonment issues come from. I know in my heart I have to forgive him. I have to release the anger I feel for him. I know it's not healthy to have the anger bottled up. I just don't know if I can handle talking to him now!
My real Dad has tried contacting me recently. I have ignored the calls. I am so scared of him hurting me again.
How is this time going to be any different than the other 28 years??
The man has walked in and out of my life. He only tries to be a father to me when it is convenient to him. The man has not been there for one moment in my life. He was not at any of my sporting events. He was not there for any of my graduations. The mother fucker was not even there for me when I was raped. He was too busy getting high or drunk. The party always was more fun than being with his only daughter!!!! I can't even count how many times as a little girl I sat on the steps with my bags waiting for him to come pick me up for the weekend just to be let down by him not showing up.
Now the asshole wants to play Daddy? Is it too late? I don't know if I have the strength to forgive him again just to be let down once again!!!!
At least I know where my abandonment issues come from. I know in my heart I have to forgive him. I have to release the anger I feel for him. I know it's not healthy to have the anger bottled up. I just don't know if I can handle talking to him now!
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