It's after 1 am. I feel completely exhausted yet I still can't sleep. From tuesday till saturday I may have like 12 hours of sleep. I have tried drugs. I have tried going with no caffine. No caffine just increases my head ache I already suffer from. I wish I knew why I can't sleep anymore.

I lay down and close my eyes and it seems my mind is racing a million miles per minute. If I do finally get some sleep I have nightmares. Sometimes they are so vivid and feel so real I have to tell myself that it really didn't happen.

I feel like I am losing control of myself. I am just so exhausted. I don't know how much longer I can function like this.

Insomnia sucks! I am going to at least lay down and hope the tyelnol pm works!

Bother

Wish I was too dead to cry
My self affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater

You don't need to bother
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on I won't let go till it bleeds

Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest

I wish I had a reason
My flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying

You don't need to bother
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
Once I hold on I won't let go till it bleeds

Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten with its memories
Diaries left with cryptic entries

And you don't need to bother
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on I won't let go till it bleeds

You don't need to bother
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on I'll never live down my deceit

~Stone Sour~

Sober

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the morning
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Aahh, the sun is blinding
I stayed up again
Oohh, I am finding
That's not the way I want my story to end
I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence...
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
When I won't remember, save your breath, 'cause what's the use?

Aahh, the night is calling
And it whispers to me softly, "come and play"
Aahh, I am falling
And if I let myself go, I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

Comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good, 'till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry
Never again
Broken down in agony
And just trying to find a friend

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

How do I feel this good sober?

~Pink~

maybe tomorrow

I feel so broken. It's to the point that I don't even know what I want anymore. I just want to crawl in my bed and pull the covers over my head and never come out. I am so sick of the hurt I feel. I wish it would go away. I wake up every day fighting the feelings I feel. I tell myself to make it one more day because tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow comes and it's not better.

*sigh* maybe tomorrow will be better..................

I know it has been awhile since I have wrote here. I know this is supposed to help me with my depression and I should write my feelings in here to help me cope with them.

Honestly I have not had the strength nor the energy to write in here. I was in a very deep depression. I have only recently started to feel like myself and able to confront my feelings and the things going on.

On September 1 I lost my best friend. Matt was one of the only constants in my life. One of the few I did trust with all my heart. He was my rock. No matter how bad things got in my life I knew I could call him and he was there for me. I have felt very lost with out Matt. It has been very confusing and heartbreaking for me. I still have to remind myself that he is gone. I miss him more than I can even put into words. It kills me that I will never here his laugh again. Or get silly text messages from him at odd hours of the night. I feel like part of me went when Matt passed away. I never even realized when he was here how much I loved him. I am glad we did get a chance to let out our feelings to each other when he visited me in early July. I am glad i got to say "I love you" to him and he got to say it to me too. I just really miss him!

I lost my job in mid Sept. It too has taken a toll on me. I keep trying for jobs but i don't even get a phone call. It makes me feel like a loser. I can't even get a freaking job. I don't know what I am going to do. More on that later.

I have also started talking to my real Dad again. I was prompted to contact him after a child hood friends mother was killed. Between Matt and Mrs. K passing away I realized life is too short not to try and make amends. It has been going good so far. It's baby steps and I know it will take time for me to really trust him again

I am still struggling with drinking. I have not been successful. Part of me wants sobriety but I just don't have the support I need. I know its an excuse but I just can't do it alone.

Well I should try and get some sleep..... that area in my life has not improved either.

I haven't had a chance to write in here much. I really wish I had the internet for when I am in the mood to write. I guess I just don't feel like writing right now.

My thoughts are all jumbled in my head but I do know what I have to do. I have to take control of my life again..........I just hope it doesn't start world war 3. I don't have the energy in me for that!

More at another time.

Numb

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
?Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know I may end up failing too
But I know you were just like me
With someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

~Linkin Park~

Trapped

I hate when I go to therapy and things don't get left in the room. Nope they follow me right out the door so I can sit and think about them. Oh joy!!!!

Today's session was mostly on how I feel trapped. There is no more frustrating feeling than feeling like you are stuck and there is not a fucking thing you can do about it.

I just want to break away and be free to live my own life. I am so sick and fucking tired of being told what to do, when to do it, how to do it. I am almost 29 years old and get treated like a 16 year old. Last time I checked this was my life and no one else's. When I make mistakes in life it is my consequences that I must render. No one else! I am not perfect and I will fall along the way but it was because it was my choice!

I am sick of being broke because I give them everything I have, I am sick of living in their house with their rules, I am sick of getting things and them taking it back because they need it now!

Most of all I am sick of living the life they want me to live and not living the life I want to live.

Fuuuuuckkkkkk!!!!!!!!

I just want to stand and scream fuck at the top of my lungs. I just want to let it all out.

Therapy was rough today. I spoke of the pain from the abuse of when I was a child. I described in detail what happened to me. It's been a long time since I have spoken of it. I held the tears back as I told my therapist of what I endured. Yet it was not tears of sadness it was tears of anger. Anger that this happened. Anger because I did not deserve this. For fuck sake I was a kid! They stole my fucking childhood. Why did they take it all away from me? 20 years later I am fucked up still!!!!!

I wish it never happened to me. I wish I could let it go. I don't want to be haunted by these memories anymore. I want to lay my head down on my pillow and not have my dreams haunted. I don't want the anger or the hatred that burns inside me anymore.

FUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!

"Easier to Run"

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
It's so much simpler than change


It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

It's easier to run
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made)
It's easier to go
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)



~Linkin Park~
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

Sleep

I haven't been sleeping much. It seems my mind is on over load. My therapist has offered to prescribe me drugs to help me sleep. I am avoiding taking any substance right now. Although sleep does sound good. How long can a person function on 3-5 hours a sleep a night.

Even if I do fall asleep I am woken up by weird dreams. Why is it when you decide to deal with the past it messes up everything?

I have early therapy tomorrow. We are starting to discuss my past. I am surprised I got through 3 sessions with out having to talk about my childhood. I guess it is inevitable I will have to go there to get to the root of my depression and anger. I just hate even thinking about it let alone talking about it.

Hell it only took me 20 years to face the problem!

Not affraid

Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't
This fucking black cloud's still follow's me around
But it's time to exorcise these demons
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just lettin' you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now

~Eminem~

Dad

So in therapy we have been focusing on my issues with my real Dad. I never realized the pent up anger I have for him.

My real Dad has tried contacting me recently. I have ignored the calls. I am so scared of him hurting me again.

How is this time going to be any different than the other 28 years??

The man has walked in and out of my life. He only tries to be a father to me when it is convenient to him. The man has not been there for one moment in my life. He was not at any of my sporting events. He was not there for any of my graduations. The mother fucker was not even there for me when I was raped. He was too busy getting high or drunk. The party always was more fun than being with his only daughter!!!! I can't even count how many times as a little girl I sat on the steps with my bags waiting for him to come pick me up for the weekend just to be let down by him not showing up.

Now the asshole wants to play Daddy? Is it too late? I don't know if I have the strength to forgive him again just to be let down once again!!!!

At least I know where my abandonment issues come from. I know in my heart I have to forgive him. I have to release the anger I feel for him. I know it's not healthy to have the anger bottled up. I just don't know if I can handle talking to him now!

"Boulevard of Broken Dreams" Greenday

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish some one up there will find me
Till then I walk alone

Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, aah-ah
Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge
And where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's all right
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone

Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, aah-ah
Ah-ah, ah-ah

I walk alone
I walk a

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone

I went to therapy today. It was amazing in an hour all that I managed to get out. I have still have a hard time talking about things. I guess it will never be easy.

My therapist had mentioned loneliness.

This is something I feel a lot but never put much stock into. I just always assumed I was just a social person by nature. The reality of it is that I have been so scared and felt alone in some traumatic situations that I can no longer stand to be alone. That I almost need someone to be there just so I don't feel alone. Because of this trait I have let some toxic people in my life.

This is something I am really going to have to focus on. Maybe it is better to be alone then to let a toxic person in my life that is going to end up hurting me in the end!

Just left my therapy session. Ughhh do I have a long road to go. I know in the end this will make me stronger but I really wish I had a magic wand to make it all better.

It's never good when your therapist says "we should meet 2-3 times a week.... we have a lot to work on"

I guess it is better to deal with it then just bury it all like I have done in the past!

Everything in my life is falling to pieces and I'm too broken to pick them up

"Broken" By Seether

I wanted you to know that I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
And I keep your photograph, I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

Because I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
You've gone away, you don't feel me here anymore

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

Because I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
Because I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

Because I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
You've gone away, you don't feel me here anymore

My Best Friend

There comes a point in life when you meet someone and they alter your life. Sometimes it's that special person and sometimes it's a friend.

I had that friend. Till I destroyed that.

She was the most caring, fun loving, person I have ever met. She was always there for me even if it was to wipe the tears from my crying eyes. She was the calm in the storm I call my life. No matter how bad I felt I knew she was in my corner.

Like everything else in my life I destroyed that. Instead of treating her with the love and compassion she deserved I literally spat in her face. How could I do something like that? How could I hurt the one person I love unconditionally like that?

I wish I never drank, I wish I never did that. I wish I could absorb the pain I have inflicted on her. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could have my best friend back.

I know she thinks that night that is who I am as a person, but that is the furthest from the truth. I know in my heart I am a loving caring person who would do anything for her. I may never be able to make it up to her. All I can do is vow to never hurt anyone like that again.

I will always miss her and always strive to make her proud even if she is not in my life as a friend, but because she will always be in my heart!

Rock Bottom

It's been awhile since I have written.

I wish I could say I am in this happy place and everything has come along since my last post. Reality is, that it has not.

I have finally admitted to myself I have to deal with my problems. It is time to stop running but I am not sure I have the strength to deal with it.

This worked for years. Finally my rage has caught up to me. I can no longer control the pain and anger. Alcohol seems to release it stronger than ever. I have ended up hurting the few people I do love and care about.

Now here I am standing alone with broken pieces of life in my hands and I have no idea how to put them back together. People keep telling me everything is going to be ok. I just don't feel that way.

Have I slipped to far this time? Have I finally destroyed everything I love? How do I pick up the pieces and go from here?

here I am again

It seems every few years my life dramatically changes. It seems I am on one path and then I suddenly jerk the wheel and go into a totally different direction. I don't think this is a bad quality. I think it just adds to my many layers.

So here I am again in the midst of another big change in life. Once again I have moved and in the process of starting over. Yet this move and change does not feel like the other moves I have previously done in life. I can't seem to get settled or feel comfortable here. I wonder if it is because this move was to run away rather than deal with my problems??

I am not one to run from my issues but I just couldn't handle seeing the mistakes I made thrown in my face every day. I couldn't bare to see the man I loved and who left me every day. I couldn't pick up the pieces there and the truth is I don't think I can pick up the pieces here either.

I have come to the realization I am not meant for true happiness. Don't get me wrong I am happy but not that perfect happieness everyone else seems to find in life.